No matter how hard I try to stay grounded, there are always days when an unsettled feeling hovers below the surface. When I battle to stand firm, weakness is knocking at the door and inner peace seems just out of reach. Ever have days like that? When your boat is rocked and your self-confidence takes a walk?
Today was one of those days for me. I spent the morning and much of the day feeling a bit blah. Sadly there was a touch of “Poor me” in there and an inability to let go of some earlier upsets that led to tears trickling and threatening a downpour.
What frustrates me now is that yesterday was such a contrast. After editing my closet by a further third, I took a well-earned trip to an op shop in Perth and came home with some gorgeous shoes and dresses. Felt pretty good in those dresses and they were cheap (even better for explaining to Blue Eyes), even if I did undo all my closet editing! (I prefer to think of it as value-adding.) I felt confident, pretty and strong – not just because of the material things, but from deep inside and an overall sense of feeling loved.
Today…such a different mood. It took most of the day to let go of my hurt, to push the clouds away and let the sun shine. Not even scrubbing the oven helped.
It’s the last day of the year. It’s not how I imagined spending the final day of 2011, but it is what it is. Now, in a more reflective mood, I am reminded that it’s such a waste to linger over real and imagined hurts at the expense of enjoying another day – a gift some don’t have.
I think sometimes I just need time and in that time I need to reflect. It’s OK for me to feel what I feel for a time and later, when those feelings are fading and being replaced by wisdom and positive (perhaps more logical) thoughts, to reflect, forgive myself and just get on with it. And not be so incredibly hard on myself- hat’s something I’m prone to doing. If I stuff up, I’m the worst mum, wife, person, daughter in the world and no one can tell me otherwise until I’m good and ready. And I know I’m not really. I’m just good at the fake guilt…feeling guilty when I don’t need to. See, I’m at the reflective stage and I could go on all night.
How did I end up letting go? I had some me time and did something creative – another mosaic which is going in the garden. Best thing I could have done! As I worked on a design and colour scheme, I found my thoughts directed to other things, such as my garden. Smashing those tiles helped let out any residual negativity too – try it, it works a treat. I’ve just had a lovely BBQ dinner with Blue Eyes and Bear – we’re ringing in 2012 together – and I’m thinking a glass of wine under the fairy lights will do me a world of good.
What’s your secret “get over yourself” tool? Are you a “heart first, head later” thinker like me? How do you get yourself to feel grounded when you are feeling shaky? What sort of thinking patterns rule you when you’re at your weakest? Are you, like me, resolving to do better in 2012?